I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
