I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
