i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
