i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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