Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
