im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
