He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you never un-have a 4some
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
