He had one of those small greek statue penises
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
