how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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