I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I puked a lego.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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