Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
