If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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