one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
