help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
