Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
