i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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