When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
