totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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