you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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