my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
