Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
