my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
