never play flip cup with pint glasses
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How does one acquire holy water?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
