apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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