I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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