Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
