WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
