I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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