Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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