Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
