That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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