the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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