all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
