i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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