I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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