white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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