I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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