just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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