I accidentally burped into my bong.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
