thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize