Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
