I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
