the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
