Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
