Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
