Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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