Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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