then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Randomize
