I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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