Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
