just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
