Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
