it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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