Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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