Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Randomize
