Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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