I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
