I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
