a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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